Two weeks ago today I lost my dad, and two weeks ago tomorrow I lost my cute momma. I have been an orphan child for two whole weeks now and it doesn't seem to be getting easier. The feelings I have are still so tender and my heart is still trying to adjust to life without my parents being physically here. I have been trying to put on a brave face for the world as I have been trying to get back to "real" life which is proving to be pretty difficult for me. I just look at people going about their busy lives and feel jealous that they are so carefree...while I hurt. When people ask how I am doing I tell them that I am okay and I put on a smile that makes them believe me. In truth, right now I am still not okay. In fact, I am far from okay. There are moments that I actually want to scream and throw a full on tantrum in the middle of the floor because I am so NOT OKAY. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I can't call up my mom on the phone for advise or if I am in need of a good laugh, and that I can't have a heart to heart with my dad while I give him his monthly haircut or know that he won't be showing up on my doorstep with a couple dozen eggs and a huge hug. My heart actually hurts. I know "death is a part of life", I know "my parents are in a better place now", I know that "at least they both don't have to suffer anymore", and I know that people say these thing to make me feel better and I love them for it, but guess what? It doesn't make me feel better and I have no idea how long it will take for me to feel better. I know I should be picking up the pieces of my heart and dusting them off, but I am not sure how to do it.

I do find peace and I am grateful for the knowledge and testimony I have of eternal families and that I know I will see my parents again. I am so lucky to have had them as mine here on this earth, and I am so lucky to have them forever! 

I am so grateful for my loving little family that has let me be sad and work through this extreme loss I feel. They are so sweet to me and I love their big hugs and "I love yous". 

I am grateful for my loving Father in Heaven and the personal relationship I have with my Savior. He is the one that can heal my broken heart, I just need to give him all the pieces. He is the one that has made it possible that we can be together forever with the people that we love the most. He has given me the best gifts and I am so grateful for Him.

I am grateful for so many wonderful friends and loved ones that have helped me feel like I am not alone. People are so kind and good, and I have learned a lot from others as I have gone through this, and they have inspired me to be a better me in the future. 

I am even so very grateful for this experience of losing my mom and dad. I mean, if I have to go through it anyway, boy what an experience. I had been praying and praying for peace for my parents for so long...peace meant that I had to lose them both I guess...but I am grateful that they have finally found peace. It has been such a blessing to witness first hand the enduring love that they had for each other. What a tender love story. What a spiritual gift to us as their children to have experienced what my brothers and sister and I experienced with our sweet parents. I love my brothers and sister so much! As hard as it was, it was one of the most spiritual, faith building experiences of my life, as I am sure it was for my sibs...but it's still so very hard.

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."  A.A. Milne