There is not a day that goes by that you aren't on my mind in one way or another either making me giggle remembering all your funniness or making me tear up because I miss your hugs and great advise. I miss you most when I have been dreaming of you and then have to wake up to reality. Those short visits with you, in my dreams leave me with a feeling of so much joy and so much sadness because it makes the missing you so much harder. I miss you mom! I miss you most when I see other people with their mothers and I feel jealous and sad and feel punished because if I had been a better daughter I might still have you here...because I still need you. I had never imagined that I would feel this way...What I would give to be able to give you a big birthday squeeze and to tell you how happy I am that you gave me my life and taught me so much and helped me become a big part of who I am today. My sweet mother, I love you so so so much.

Happy Birthday Momma!

What I have learned

So lately I have had trouble falling asleep at night or I wake up and can't seem to get back to sleep because I don't know how to shut my brain down. Even if I "sleep" I wake feeling so unrested because of these vivid dreams that make me feel weird. Have you ever gone through this? Am I boarding the crazy train? It is seriously to the point that I might need to find me a doctor to get me some meds. Heaven help me. Me on drugs is no bueno. The melatonin that I have been taking on the nights that I work the next day seems to help a bit but I don't want to have to take something every night in order to sleep... Any who, that has nothing to do with anything other than I was trying to get to the point that with all this time on my hands I have been caught up in some pretty deep soul searching. Okay, maybe not THAT deep, but I have learned some valuable lessons already this year that I don't want to forget. So here you go, take it or leave it. 

I have learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I have learned that when picking out our lot, we have bitten off WAY more than we can chew. Yard work is pretty hard when you have no time and no husband around ever to help, and those kid slaves that you gave birth to, they are no help either.
I have learned that no matter how you try to protect your children they will eventually get hurt and in turn you will end up hurting just as much in the process.
I have learned that in my bed next to Xandi is my happiest place.
I have learned that exercises does not help you lose weight if you are filling up the empty space in your heart with food. I know this from experience, and now you know why I am bulging out of my clothes.
I have learned that it's better to control my attitude than it is to be controlled by it.
I have learned that parenting is really hard sometimes and most of the time you are second guessing every move you make.
You know all that "stuff" that you have lying around because someday you might just need it? I have learned that you don't need it. Let it go and de-clutter your life. If you really do "need" it, chances are you can pick it up at the DI for a buck because we just donated my mom and dads!
I have learned that great people can have rotten kids and often times they have no idea. I pray everyday that I don't fall into this category, but with five kids I have a pretty good chance. I know I am not a perfect parent and I know my kids aren't perfect, and if my kids are driving someone crazy it's because of a fault I have that has rubbed off on them. Another problem with parenting. Why can't they just pick up and emulate the good things about yourself?
I have learned that grudges are poison. Holding on to things from the past or wishing things were different is pointless and a waste. Let it go and move on. You will never change or understand why people are the way they are, and you can't make people love you.
Sometimes silence really is golden.
My collection of quotes really isn't pointless.
The little stuff is the big stuff.
Always, ALWAYS, always save your receipts for things like going to dinner or depositing $ into the bank until everything has cleared and has gone through properly. Learned the hard way that restaurants and banks make mistakes and it's nice when you can prove it.
I have learned that I can count on my fingers and toes the people that truly love me, and yep, my little family counts for six of those piggies. It was a sad day when I realized this fact.
I have also learned that I value my relationship with my husband above all others. Of course I have known this all along but have been reminded time and time again as I come to love him more as the days we have together go on. I am so grateful for every kiss, every "I love you", and every snuggle. I am and have nothing without him and I am so grateful everyday for the life we have together.