One Year Anniversay

It seems so wrong to me to call the passing of a certain period of time relating to death an anniversary. For me, anniversaries have always been pleasant things, much like birthdays or how many years Xandi and I have been dating, or how many years of married life we've enjoyed. They are celebrations of milestones in our lives, happy times that we want to remember. Until now.

I have come to the realization that this ache in my heart will never really go away. I don't ever expect I will get over losing anyone that I love, ever. There is no pretty ribbon to wrap around this box named sorrow and to tie into a nice neat bow. Death hurts, even though I KNOW it's temporary. There is no way to easily explain what happens during this grieving process. It is so personal and indeed - a process. I am so grateful for the people that were, and remain so to this day, my rocks. I am grateful to my Father in Heaven and my Savior for loving me even when my faith is wavering, and I would be lying if I said it hasn't. This past year has been my hardest year, and not just because of having to say goodbye all too soon to my parents. I know I have struggled more than I ever have with my testimony and I dont know why it has to happen now of all times and why I have so many questions now. For heavens sake, I am an old woman who should have the eternities figured out by now! I just think that there are times when everyone has struggles I guess, it just depends on what you do in those moments, do you discount everything you've believed and had faith in your whole life or do you doubt your doubts? Maybe it's just time for me to grow up and stand on my own two feet now that I am an orphan and all... But I do know this...I know always in my heart that my Father in Heaven knows best. He knows all. He knows us and the pain and struggles we have, and he loves us even when we mess things up and when we question Him and His plan. I am grateful for the faith I do have, even when it feels far away.

It will get better. I know with time, even this pain of loss will lessen. I know I haven't REALLY lost anyone...I just wish for one more big huge hug and squeeze from my cute mom and dad to tide me over until we meet again. That's all.

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." A.A. Milne